I dont want to miss you

Dear Zoe ,

I don’t want to be missing you every hour of every day .

I want you here with me, with all of us at home .

I want you to keep me awake at night looking for your bocboc.

Its way too easy now to get around town without battles with a buggy.

I want to walk with you and buy pretty things for you.

I want to sit at home without feeling that you are missing . I don’t miss you as much as  you are missing from me .

My arms are free and they shouldn’t be.

I’m full of contradictions now ….I’m tired I cant sleep , I sleep I wake up exhausted……my mind is numb , my thoughts are racing….I’m restless ,I cant concentrate if I find something to do , I don’t want to do anything……..I want to talk , the words wont come out ……I want to smile , I cry , I cry,I want to smile .

The days are long and yet time goes quickly. I want to slow it all down and stop everything so that it wont be one day more without you. …and then I cant wait for the day to be over because its been a tough day ….

I’m going round in circles and nothing changes the fact that I miss you and I always will.

Yes ,yes, i know that with time it will get easier. when will this “time” be ???.Until this magic time appears and I am finding “it” easier I still have to feel the way I feel . Just because it will get easier doesn’t cancel the pain of now. I do believe that I will get to that time ,eventually. Hope is what keeps me thinking it must be true too . I hope “they” are right . I really really do .

(GooGoo Doll , Iris )

Love Always,

Mom

x x x

Grief is something we will all face at some stage in out lives. Grief has many physical and emotional symptoms and these vary from person to person in the intensity and order they appear.One stage does not automatically lead to the next. Its not like a checklist and you can say oh Thank God that part is over! oh no ! Its rotten like that. Grief is up and down , one step forward two steps back and then back again just in case you loose the run of yourself .

http://feileacain.ie

Feileacain is a wonderful charity dedicated to helping parents overcome stillbirth and neo-natal death . They provide support and memory boxes to maternity hospitals.They also work with NILMDTS photographers to provide parents with professional quality photos of their baby.

Here is a little info they have about grieving parents.

Bereaved Parents’ Wishlist

 

1. I wish my baby hadn’t died. I wish I had him/her back.
2. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my baby’s name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that s/he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn’t because you have hurt me. My baby’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favourite topic of the day.
6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that s/he is dead.
9. I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or to “be happy.” Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
10. I don’t want to have a “pity party,” but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
12. When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.
13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
14. Your advice to “take one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.
15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him/her. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.
17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

Thank you for reading , please feel free to comment below!

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A Very Special Baby Blanket

Hello again,

Today I want to tell you about how my hobby has been a great help to me .

I love to crochet !! For anyone that don’t know what that is….. its knitting but with one needle called a hook .It’s always been something I love to do an in recent years I have started to crochet more and more. I am “hooked” on looking up tutorials and new patterns on YouTube and I really love to learn new hints and tips online. Life was very boring before YouTube !! OK so I’m going to get much street cred from raving about crochet patterns and new wool available etc but its cool to be not cool Right???

I’ve especially concentrated on making baby blankets the last few years. They are lovely to make and I always put so much time and love and care into them . I especially love if I know who the Blankie is for , or the parents ,or even knowing one tiny extra detail makes me put more “love” into the Blankie. Sounds kinda hippy dippy but making a Blankie just for the sake of it,is just not the same. I have given lots of Blankies as presents to new babies and each one is always a little bit different !

I have made Blankies for all my boys and I am delighted to say Zoe has her own special Blankies made by me too.

My crochet addiction had slowed down a little during the pregnancy due to Carpel Tunnel Syndrome (this affects hands and wrists) . I really wanted to have something ready for the baby  as I know that time can be hard to find once a new baby arrives. I had known for sure, for sure in the last few weeks that this little bundle will be a girl !!! I rummaged through my very organised( i do try !! )  collection of wool and bits and bobs and found as much bright cheerful colours as I could. I  could not escape the very predictable pink !! but whats a girl to do ??? Love it or hate it , but it can actually be quite a calm relaxing colour . Reigning it in a bit I found some white and cream too .

So all set in those last few weeks of pregnancy, I had a new purpose ….to finish the Blankies before baby arrived. Oh the relief to have something else to do in the middle of the night  . On nights when I found  sleep  impossible and I sadly ended up watching E News over and over .

I don’t think I could ever explain how important it has become that I had those two precious Blankies all ready for Zoe. The pink and cream one was quite big and she is all wrapped up in it  now . I hope my love has ooozed out and she  carries it with her everyday.

The other Blankie was used to swaddle Zoe while in the hospital. That Blankie is in most of the treasured photos we have and I now keep it in Zoe’s little memory box along with other keepsakes.

It is a piece of Zoe, and a piece of you, knitted together forever.

All wrapped up in Blankie

One of the lovely midwives said that to me, as she admired Blankie  . It was so profound , so true and symbolic. Knitted together. And that’s how we will always be .

Sometimes when I’m crocheting a piece of my hair gets tangled in the wool and I pull it out if I see it in time.I always wash the Blankies I make for others but when I made Blankies for the boys my whackky sister ( Love you LJ!!!) encouraged me not to . It’s a piece of you !!! she screeched at me one day leave it there !!!! So I did. Just for my own little and big bundles!! Its funny how little things like this make me smile.

Its been hard to get back to my beloved hobby but it is actually quite relaxing. The concentration I need, forces me to focus on the stitches , focus on the pattern , focus on the wool. Put in the love ! It kinda clears my mind for a while . I am not working on a baby Blankie right now, but a Blankie for a very special lady ( you know who you are) !!! So in case you are freaked out , yes I’m pulling out any strands of my hair getting tangled but there is loads of love going in ! I promise. !!

Thank you all for reading and the continued support from friends and family .

A Little Heart ..

Firstly, i would like to thank everybody for the fantastic response I’ve had to my first blog. It was both exhausting and a relief at the same time to begin the process of telling the story of my forever baby . Its also given some people the chance to talk to me about Zoe again , which is great. I might not always be the most chatty but its nice to get the opportunity to talk about Zoe if I want to .

Some days nothing makes sense to me . I just cant even begin to think why did this all happen ?why our darling Zoe ?  Why my family ? how can it all be put into one sentence? I cant even begin to tell people sometimes because I dont even know where to start . When I meet people I most likely wont see again, it is definitely easier to pretend to them …yes i have three boys …. I add Zoe silently in my head . I cant leave her out . I guess I could say I have a girl and not get into the whole story but im terrified of explaining it all .what if im asked another question? some strangers are very nosy . It tears me apart . Again I cant win the battle .Which ever I choose in that moment . That split second I have to decide what to say. It doesnt really make too much difference . I am still left with the pain inside .  Take for example  this incident which happened only last week .

A lovely salesman called one day and my husband and I decided he was offering a good deal so we decided to switch to his company ! Anyway he had to come inside and get details etc…etc. The boys were busy in the playroom and out popped little man looking for a snack. The man smiled said hello and little man ran off as 5 year olds do . Then his older brother popped out and grabbed an apple and off he went again . The following is how the conversation went between the salesman and me in the next few minutes…

“so ye have two boys”

“aaahhh no there is three in there !!”

“three boys is it ?”

“yeah three boys” 

” busy house so ….Id have 50 boys before id have another girl , she was tough work compared to the boys . She had me wrapped around her little finger . They are grown up now nearly the youngest fella is 16 now ”

So I smiled at him and nodded my head and said nothing . He was a very nice man and obviously meant no harm . He had no idea of our situation and I don’t blame him one bit . But his words hurt. they pinched me and stung for the whole evening. eventually the sting wore off a bit. There are plenty of these innocent little comments and remarks that drive me bananas . Its no wonder I don’t feel like facing the world some days .

Well back to trying to make sense of it all . I have moments where I remember (how can I forget????) . But I remember what Zoe has done. Her own contribution to this world . Zoe donated her heart valves , hopefully to give someone a better life. I never took much notice of name meanings but apparently Zoe is a name of Greek origin and it means “Life”. How strange that her life would be so short but meaningful. Those teeny tiny valves will make so a difference to the person that receives them and that is how Zoe will make the biggest impact . She will always be in my heart and she might help to fix some one else’s heart too .

That is what gives me a little peace and helps me hide the tears when I need to .

Thank you for reading

Hello

Hello 

Welcome to my blog .

I have wanted to write a blog for a long time, now seems like a good time . My forever baby is in memory of my little girl Zoe . Zoe will always and forever be my little baby girl . Mothers always say that to their kids , even when they are adults “but your always my baby ” I hear so often . But in my case it’s so true . Zoe will always be a baby to me because she lived and died as a baby. Having three kids before Zoe I know all about sleepless nights , teething, trips to the doctor, tummy bugs. Feeling so exhausted I can hardly think straight . I also know about all the moments that are so special too. The ones that creep up on you and you want to shout it to the world….. what little look or smile or sound the baby made at such a funny moment! or when a song comes on the radio and their little eyes light up and you just have to dance around the kitchen for three minutes like a lunatic. I know exactly what im missing out on not having my little doll here with me .

However , what gets me through and keep me going is knowing that Zoe is safe . Wherever heaven is she is safe there. I force myself to find consolation in that . In some ways she is the perfect baby because i never need to worry about her . She is safe. I have three little boys that still need their Mom.

Zoe was my fourth pregnancy and though i had the usual aches and pains , there was no major indication that she had anencephaly . A full and detailed  scan would have picked it up but it was not the plan for us . we had no idea that she would be born “incompatible with life” . she was full of life inside my womb , kicking and hiccuping all day and night .

My due date came and went and we were all waiting on tender hooks for moment she would arrive. I went in to the maternity ward for induction on the 2 July 2014 . Things were not going great but no major drama either. I was told a section would be best at this stage. I was very happy yet nervous as anyone would be .

The total shock will never be forgotten . The doctors were not prepared , they did not even have an inkling that Zoe had this condition till the second she was born . No one was prepared and i don’t think anyone ever would be .

Zoe spent the few hours of her life in loving arms hugged by her  Mom , Dad , her brothers and Grandma . She was not out of loving arms for one second . Zoe knew nothing but love her whole little life . I’m so grateful for those few hours …..but I’m gonna come right out and say it. I’m selfish and greedy . I want more . it will never be enough. I’ve never said that out loud since I’m well aware that there are parents who never get that time . There are no winners in these situations .

Almost eight months later and it still feels like yesterday.

I am hoping to continue this blog to help myself and maybe others too. some days I will be in the present , some the past , some the future. This is my voice . Because some days its very hard to speak .

Thank you for reading,