Dear Zoe ,
I don’t want to be missing you every hour of every day .
I want you here with me, with all of us at home .
I want you to keep me awake at night looking for your bocboc.
Its way too easy now to get around town without battles with a buggy.
I want to walk with you and buy pretty things for you.
I want to sit at home without feeling that you are missing . I don’t miss you as much as you are missing from me .
My arms are free and they shouldn’t be.
I’m full of contradictions now ….I’m tired I cant sleep , I sleep I wake up exhausted……my mind is numb , my thoughts are racing….I’m restless ,I cant concentrate if I find something to do , I don’t want to do anything……..I want to talk , the words wont come out ……I want to smile , I cry , I cry,I want to smile .
The days are long and yet time goes quickly. I want to slow it all down and stop everything so that it wont be one day more without you. …and then I cant wait for the day to be over because its been a tough day ….
I’m going round in circles and nothing changes the fact that I miss you and I always will.
Yes ,yes, i know that with time it will get easier. when will this “time” be ???.Until this magic time appears and I am finding “it” easier I still have to feel the way I feel . Just because it will get easier doesn’t cancel the pain of now. I do believe that I will get to that time ,eventually. Hope is what keeps me thinking it must be true too . I hope “they” are right . I really really do .
(GooGoo Doll , Iris )
x x x
Grief is something we will all face at some stage in out lives. Grief has many physical and emotional symptoms and these vary from person to person in the intensity and order they appear.One stage does not automatically lead to the next. Its not like a checklist and you can say oh Thank God that part is over! oh no ! Its rotten like that. Grief is up and down , one step forward two steps back and then back again just in case you loose the run of yourself .
Feileacain is a wonderful charity dedicated to helping parents overcome stillbirth and neo-natal death . They provide support and memory boxes to maternity hospitals.They also work with NILMDTS photographers to provide parents with professional quality photos of their baby.
Here is a little info they have about grieving parents.
Bereaved Parents’ Wishlist
- I wish my baby hadn’t died. I wish I had him/her back.
- I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my baby’s name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that s/he was important to you also.
- If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn’t because you have hurt me. My baby’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
- Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
- I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favourite topic of the day.
- I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
- I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.
- I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that s/he is dead.
- I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or to “be happy.” Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
- I don’t want to have a “pity party,” but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
- I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
- When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.
- I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
- Your advice to “take one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.
- Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
- I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him/her. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.
- I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.
Thank you for reading , please feel free to comment below!